When All You Feel is Indifference

I once read, “When the romance ends, real love begins”, but for me and my married life it is more, “When the romance ends, life-long suffering begins.”

There was a time when I found my husband’s snoring an endearing quirk, or how he is always the first one to dig in and get the meatiest part of the fish all for himself. Fast forward to five years and I am no longer finding his loud snoring endearing, and the one about the fish isn’t even gentlemanly of him.

I used to just want to do everything to “please” him – and I would wear a pout all day long if he did not complement me on my cooking or on how I arranged the living room.

Again, five years have passed and all I feel now is indifference – maybe even hatred.

I hate being treated as if I’m a paid house-help. I hate having to do everything in the house while he gets a chance to play basketball when he wants (or when his aging knees allow him to) or that he gets to cradle his PSP all of his waking hours as I tidy up and wash the dishes after we have eaten.

I hate that I have to be responsible for even the littlest things because even after five years he still does not know where any important document is kept and filed. I hate that I have to keep track of everything simply because he is either too preoccupied with something else or is too lazy to even care when bills are due or if they are getting paid at all.

The truth is I have more than once prayed to God that I no longer wake up once I go to sleep -- but knowing how “irresponsible” my husband is I am actually scared to die and leave our son to be raised by him -- or heaven forbid, by his family.

I no longer care what he thinks about my cooking or if he likes the way I have once again re-arranged all the living room furniture. Actually, he should be thankful if I even cooked at all... then washed the pots and pans, bowls, knives, chopping board and all other utensils that I used to cook him a meal.

I no longer see him the way I saw him before, and most likely he would say he feels the same way about me. Well, I couldn’t care less! I used to think my whole life will change for the better once we became a family, and boy, was I wrong.

He did not turn out to be the person I thought he was and I’m pretty sure he would say the same about me. Tough luck!

What he throws at me I will just throw back at him, so to speak. He is not the most caring and sensitive husband in the world, so he does not deserve a caring and sensitive wife as well. If only I could do a Kris Aquino, I would have declared “it’s over” years ago.